Ever heard of the term, Lazy Dater? I’m sure I’m not the first person to come up with the expression. For sure, I’m not the first to recognize the characteristics that distinguish this type of relationship. But in case you are not familiar with the phrase, I will attempt to explain the four common Lazy Daters I’ve run across over the years.
Lazy Dater #1: This individual very badly wants to be in a relationship; so much so they really don’t care who they are connected too. Their primary goal is to be in a relationship… period. Once they have found someone with whom they get along with well enough, they take themselves off the market.
LD#1 is often more in love with the idea of dating than with their partner and will ignore any red flags that indicate the relationship is not healthy. If pressured by family or the desire to keep up with friends, the LD#1 is convinced that “good enough” is indeed good enough and doesn’t hold much hope for a relationship that can be described as great.
Lazy Dater #2: This man or woman has been in several previous relationships and is tired of the whole “getting to know you” phase associated with dating. Tired of “putting themselves out there,” like LD#1, LD#2 settles for whoever is available in order to combat loneliness or fulfill a personal goal of marriage. Instead of considering whether their partner is a good match for their future goals (or better yet, if they themselves are equipped to contribute to their partner’s goals), this person is happy as long as the relationship doesn’t cause too many problems. They quickly settle into a routine of surviving instead of thriving.
[SPECIAL NOTE: If LD#2’s previous relationships were abusive, the main criteria for a relationship becomes feeling safe and not whether they are intellectually stimulated. If you find yourself often frustrated with your current partner because of differences in values, beliefs, or just an inability to connect, and you dismiss it with, “Well, at least he/she doesn’t (hit me, cheat on me, use drugs, fill in the blank), ” you just may be the lazy dater in your relationship.)
Lazy Dater #3: This is usually demonstrated by the dating partner who easily falls into a rut in their dating. For them, date night is a movie or dinner… always! If they feel somewhat adventurous, then it’s a movie and dinner the same evening! In their mind, these are tried and true and to do something different is just way too risky. See, you could get hurt kayaking; art museums require thinking; and painting pottery… well, that’s way too messy for LD#3.
Lazy Dater #4: We will reserve this LD category for married partners, or those in long-term relationships. The LD#4 is often accused of being predictable or downright boring. LD#4 no longer sees the need to make any special effort to plan an evening with their spouse. In fact, many married couples busy with careers and family duties, spend more time discussing what to have for dinner than they do nurturing their intimacy. The married LD#4 often describes his/her marriage as “fine” or “ok.”
Hopefully you didn’t find your intimate relationship in the profiles above. A healthy relationship is stable yet flexible and makes allowances for change and growth. Healthy partners not only expect their significant other to contribute to the relationship but look forward to adding some spice as well.
If you happen to see anything that sounds familiar in the paragraphs above, don’t fret, help is available. Give me, Cherise, a call; I will be happy to assist you in making your relationship active and fulfilling?
Originally published 8/2014. Revised 5/2021.